Tag: Awareness

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Yikes! I am stuck parenting during the Pandemic. Where’s the Village?

The feeling of another COVID-19 day, with the news report of who is or who is not wearing a mask. Statistical unemployment reports and reports of how many people globally have contracted the virus along with deaths contributed to the virus. There is not a day that goes by that we don’t hear the word COVID-19. To top that off we are having to be parents 24/7 and be teachers at that.

Wait, let’s think about that. When we decided to go through with the pregnancy, gave birth and brought them home it became official. We were parents. I have children. All of which I homeschooled. No they did not wear matching outfits, I did not sew their clothes and we did not churn our butter. We were a military family and to promote continuity of education they were home schooled. Two of them were home schooled through high school while the other kids were home schooled into their high school careers.

Does homeschooling award me a badge of honor? No. Does it make me an expert on parenting. No. There is not a single person who is an expert. Our kids are individuals with no particular prototype. What homeschooling afforded me was an opportunity to get to know my kids learning styles, help them develop within their learning styles and give me chance to reparent myself.

Reparenting is giving yourself what you didn’t receive in your childhood. When an adult recognizes certain personality traits that are a result of faulty treatment in their childhood reparenting becomes a tool to makes requisite changes in the affected personality trait. In a healthy environment our caregivers were actualized people who allowed their children to develop uniquely as kids. Perhaps your parents were like so many others who were not self actualized and parented out of unhealthy models. My parents were both alcoholics and their was abuse in the home. My childhood memories are lost in the dep recesses of my unconsciousness. My parenting models came from watching the Brady Bunch. They were the only intact family I saw. There was my Three sons, but the mom was dead. Their was the Andy Griffith Show but that mom was not around. Their was the Partridge family. There was no dad. Good Times came a bit later. There was a mom and day and of course Dynomite!

What does reparenting and teaching our kids at home during the crisis have to do with one another? Well, being “stuck” with each other for prolonged periods of times tends to expose the true nature of self The true nature of self is rooted within the ego part of self. When you child starts to get on your nerves is it really about them or what part of self is being challenged.? What is the child doing that is awakening that part of self that doesn’t want to be bothered? How weren’t you tolerated as a child that now is being counter transferred onto your own child?

WE have been given a gift. Many of us have the challenge of working and being with our kids at home; yet, it is a gift of time which you can never gain back. Take the time to reparent yourself as you parent your child. Allow your child to make and process mistakes. Model how to delay gratification, work. Model how to achieve goals and do as a person with integrity. Model self compassion. Model and practice emotional intelligence by giving words to your own emotions and noticing where you feel them in your body. Model for your kids the ability to view yourself objectively from the perspective of others. Self reflect by examining situations without judgment. And practice and model the ability to be and be present. This isn’t an easy task. Parenting is not easy; however, it is an amazing call on your life. To be able to shape and cultivate a life that will be contributing citizens and overall good people.

We need more of those types of people. Let is start with your reparenting. Maybe this time isn’t so much about teaching kids academics. Perhaps it is about sizing the moment and allowing for curiosity to arise and experience your best life so that your family can experience their best lives yet.

Don’t hesitate to reach out for more help on how to reparent or how to parent during this time of crisis. You can do this with or without the Village.

Carpe Diem, Gloria

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Really

I received a text today which  was surprising. The individual wrote an apology saying they let me down but the reason they let me down is because of the topic I kept bringing to the table. Really? I thought I was putting up with  that individual’s looping. That looping that keeps one stuck in a circular mental processing and challenges meta-cognition.

Meta-cognition is the capacity to think about what one is thinking. The prefrontal cortex is activated and problem solving, planning, awareness, learning and thinking is activated. Automatic thinking pauses ushering intentional thinking. Meta-cognition is similar to the Wise mind of the Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) world.

Individuals, more often than not, use either emotions or logic to dictate behaviors.  Emotions are not necessarily reflective of  the veracity of the situation; yet, they are reality of feeling in that moment. When solely going on emotions, which  are subjective, no regard is given to the reasonable way of understanding. Logic looks at fact without emotive sway keeping things black and white. Logic is objective and void of instinctive or intuitive perspectives. When Emotional thinking is merged with Logic thinking we birth the Wise mind. The Wise mind is the neurological balance of the limbic system (Emotional Mind)  and pre frontal cortex (Reasonable Mind).

Image result for dbt wise mind

As babies we are born with primary emotions of fear, happiness, sadness, and anger. As we grow secondary emotions, emotions that we learn from our primary caregivers are formed. Shame is an example of a secondary emotion which is rooted in one’s belief system. Examples of other secondary emotions are: disgust, guilt, embarrassment, and cynicism.

Just a note that for those of us who have experienced trauma, emotions  tend to get stuck in the psychological reaction of fight (Hyperarousal) or flight (Acute stress) response.

What does this have to do with the text? After calming down my limbic system through deep breaths and activating my Wise mind I was able to see from a different perspective. Yes, I had been ruminating on a specific topic; but, they had been engaging in the topic. My awareness is that they were operating with their emotional mind due to personal stressors.

I kindly responded to the text with empathy. I can’t say they recognized the type of emotion they put into play. I can say, that tonight I can go to sleep knowing that I”m not too much. That I am okay. That people go through stuff and often don’t  integrate the emotional and rational mind. I am more cognizant to use the Wise mind especially when I am texting and to always offer compassion because I have not walked not walked in their shoes.

Carpe Diem,

Gloria 

 

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Taking My Chance

“To Risk”

by William Arthur Ward

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

The pessimist complains about the wind;

The optimist expects it to change;

And the realist adjusts the sails.

Mr. Ward beautifully penned the fortuity in being human. A dance of longings mixed with gambles taken to feel, to love, to belong, to in essence be free. The freedom to self-actualize. Maslow considered self-actualization as the top tier in the human needs rungs. Unfortunately, our emotional scars often make us afraid to take a risks.

Childhood often is the breeding ground for emotional scars that loom over into adulthood. Adulthood is filled with opportunities for an array of predicaments. How shall we self-actualize with these quandaries?

Accepting yourself; which is no small task. Forgive yourself understanding that mistakes are simply growth opportunities. Grant yourself time to mourn over the unrealized dreams. Quite the your inner critic. Offer yourself and to others compassion.

Living mindfully aware. Awareness ushers a sense of realism.  Realism in being in the moment, fully present and in tune to the here and now.  Realism that becomes an art in not being judgmental but opening up the door to  curiosity.

Live true to your values. Make a list of what is important in you life along with negotiable and nonnegotiable.

Laugh. Endorphins hormones are secreted  when we laugh signalling our brain to tell our bodies, relax. Endorphins are associated with exercise; perhaps, we can take the liberty to say laughter is a type of exercise.

To Risk or To Risk Not. The challenge is on  to take a chance toward being  Our Best Selves Yet.

Note: The risk identified in this writing is not one of recklessness, for to live as such is a contradictions to freedom.

Carpe Diem,

Gloria

 

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Desperation of Loneliness

Where does loneliness take you? Does it take you to on line dating? Does it take you to overusing substances? Does it take you to isolation? Does it take you to depression? Does it take you to low-self esteem? Sitting with the sene of desperation often drags you down to places you would rather not venture. We are after all social creatures who desire, no need social interaction.

Brain science informs us of that the need for social interaction is real.  Deprived of human contact, many individuals  begin to feel rejected, empty, abandoned,  and emotionally distressed.  Research has uncovered  a neuron located in the back of our brain called the Dorsal Raphe Nucleus (DRN). DRN happens to  be a Dopamine neuron. Dopamine we recognize as a neurotransmitter that  helps control the brain’s reward and pleasure centers. And then we have good old Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and his insight suggesting the human need to belong and love. So what am I saying? The feeling of loneliness is real. It’s not just you being needy!

So what path has loneliness taken you? It took me to on-line dating. I do know of two couples who met on line and married. Another couple is engaged. For me, I end up feeling rejected or judgmental. I find people don’t read the profile and or lie. I don’t get it. Why post a picture of yourself 20 years ago when you are going to meet that person in person!  Or they start talking to you and ghost you. Where is the courtesy? My favorite has been the one, after I reached out to end the contact telling me that it seemed I wanted a traditional relationship and that’s not what they wanted. Wait? Did you not read my profile? That’s enough venting. Someone should write a book on the protocol of on-line dating. Perhaps someone already has and I have not read the book.

Paths I have taken to overcome loneliness have been many. I have learned I don’t like waking up the next morning with a hangover and throwing up because I drank to fit into the crowd or numb the loneliness away. As you can tell I have taken some not so smart paths.  However, I am awake now and in the awareness for human connection I want to feed my DRN.   I have uncovered the best way to feed my DRN  is with self-care and compassion. Yes, I have the longing to connect however I will not allow myself to go down the path of desperation. Desperation gives undertones to hopelessness.  I am not hopeless. I have value. I have gifts. I have talents. I am worthy of respect and to be loved.  If that amazing person should come into my life that will make two amazing people. If they don’t show up there still remains one amazing person, me.

Carpe Diem,

Gloria

 

 

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The Pain in Being a Helper

Who is not in the business of impacting another’s life? From the cashier to the pizza delivery person. We all impact another’s life. Yet, those in the front line often experience what in the mental health field is called vicarious trauma, compassion fatigue, secondary traumatic stress, or secondary victimization. We will go with compassion fatigue. Compassion fatigue  is characterized by the  some of the following symptom (not an inclusive list):

• Free floating anger and/or irritation, over-eating or under-eating,
difficulty falling asleep and/or staying asleep, dreaming about their clients/their clients’ trauma experiences, diminished joy toward things they once enjoyed, feeling trapped by their work, diminished feelings of satisfaction and personal accomplishment, feelings of hopelessness associated with their work/clients, blaming others, overwork, irritability,  exhaustion, staff conflict, blaming others, poor communication, withdrawal and isolation from colleagues, apathy, blaming others, lack of appreciation,  lack of interest and caring, worried about not doing enough.

The nature of job demands your all. Essential to the field is the ability and capacity of self care. Self care is often spoken about;yet, I often fail to see implemented. Three suggestions for self care. 1. Get a massage or some type of body word done. 2. Eat a healthy diet 3. Keep your perspective. The three points appears simple, however, the reality is that they are seldom practiced.
I encourage you reading to put into practice exercise that will keep your mind fresh and not bogged down. Share your load. You were not meant to carry the load alone. I recently saw Justice League interesting is that the team was not as effective without Superman. Find your superman and let him help you carry the load. You’re doing a great job; but, the load is getting heavy. Just as we want to see those we help grow strong we have to be the proverbial strong to be able to give. We cannot give from an empty vessel.

Se si pude, but why would you want by yourself. We are better together!

Carpe Diem