My Miracle
The story Teller came into my life at a point where I had stop believing. I had stop believing in miracles. I had been living for years suppressing my fears of abandonment; I was looked at as confident and strong women. Inside my being I struggled with a ego dystonic sense of self. That inconsistency within my own person cultivated a loss curiosity, hope, and belief in miracles. I could play the part demanded. As I write, I recognize that my entire life was not totally out of line. One area of which exemplifies an ego syntonic sense of self was in being a mother.
My inability to feel safe. My fear of Abandonment
The sense of abandonment had rendered me emotionally dis-regulated. I don’t “have” memories of my childhood. Memories begin for me around the age of 12, just in time to remember the molestation. My father left, I am told when I was nine. I would not see him for another 30 years. He left and did not turn back. He had no contact with me or my siblings, his children. He never reached out, he seemed he never cared. My parents divorced when I was 11, again, as it is told. My mother was emotionally unavailable as she was busy surviving. My siblings, one by one, left me alone to care for my mother. I felt so utterly forsaken.
Emotional wellness demands physical and emotional care. When this care goes unmet, insecurities begin to creep in. For me, abandonment took on the form in being (gave the appearance of) a confident secure person. I could do it alone. I didn’t need anyone. Borderline personality tendencies began to take root and become my status quo of life. I love you, I hate you, I don’t trust, I can’t trust you, Please don’t leave me I’ll do anything. Won’t you just love me? I’m tough I don’t need anyone….Thanks to a former male companion, I was challenged to live beyond the staus quo.
Living the Abandonment
Showing emotion was a sign of vulnerability and I was not going to make myself vulnerable to get hurt. The first time my daughters saw me cry was right after their father and I had separated. I was visiting my oldest daughter in North Carolina with her sisters. My front headlight had gone out on my Volvo. It was Sunday and I took it a shop to get the light fixed and they told me they would have to order that part. The part would arrive Monday. I went back to my daughter’s home I recall sitting with my girls in the living room and feeling so overwhelmed I started to cry. I My oldest daughter looked at me and said, “I have never seen you cry.” She was 22 years old at the time.
For so long, I put the needs of others before my own; wasn’t that what any good Christian would do? Though in doing so, I lost a greater sense of self. Caring for others is noble charge; for me it servers two purposes. First, it protected me from thinking or dealing with my own stuff and made me feel good. After all, if you knew me and my stuff why would you love me or like me. I played a part, acted out a role.
Success? I could never measure up. I had to work hard just to gain the approval and acceptance of others. Mistakes, I thought reflected upon my person. A professor, Dr Perry, at A & M University in Normal, Alabama first introduced me to the concept of mistakes being growth opportunities. I still doubted; but, a seed was planted.
The Story Teller
I have been on the healing journey. I was asked, by The Story Teller, what has been instrumental in my healing. My God (not religion) and learning to sit. The Story Teller has only been in life a short while; in that brief time frame he has awaken my curiosity as never before. He dares me to trust in myself. He challenges me to tell my story. To have the courage to trust, to love. To be alive. I add to my list of “things” that have been instrumental in my healing, The Story Teller.
Syntonic Self
My strength and confidence today are not masks to hide pain or fear. I recognize that perhaps other’s may not be so appreciate of the change. I however, with all respect, am living Egosyntonic sense of self. My behaviors, values, and feelings are in harmony with my needs and goals while in being consistent with my ideal self-image.
Miracles are laced with hope and curiosity. I am thankful for my journey. I am thankful for My Story Teller who appeared at the right time.
“I Am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”
Carl Jung