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The sound of my cell phone chimes at 5:45 Monday through Friday. During the summer months it goes off at 5. Today, as the object of my morning reckoning goes off it still looks dark outside. I shuffle a bit in my king size bed and turn off the alarm while taking in 3 deep breathes to engage my mind and body. My body is resistant; yet, my mind wins the fight against  those  aging, sagging anatomical parts which make up my body. Will today be an indoor workout or outside. Ah, let’s live life wild and make it an outside exercise day,  I think. I begin to be hopeful that I will be able to watch the sunrise.

I take the steps downward  to the entry level of my building and exit  out of the  right hand side. And off I go,  “running.”  I run past the homes with TV’s on and catch glimpses of shadows in the house.  My first mile is the most difficult, however, once I find a rhythm, running doesn’t seem so laborious. I reach the boathouse on the waterfront and decide to go left toward the pier. As I run past the water I notice the  glistening river and hear the melody of the birds. The wind blows gently. I seem to be running faster.  I am quickly approaching my happy place. The place , the sounds, the smells I have embedded in my mind so that at  any time I can return to this state and picture these scenes through my mind’s eye. Later in the day, I can look back on this state of bliss and the calming memory helps me to regulate my emotions if they begin to become unstable at any time.  Shortly, I arrive to my destination on my morning jaunt.  I stop to overlook the Potomac River toward the National Harbor. The lights of the Ferris wheel are on along with the lights of the MGM hotel and casino. Cars are traveling across the Wilson bridge; their sounds can be heard faintly in the distance. Mindfully, I accept and sweep out all of my lingering thoughts, closing my eyes to focus only on my breath using my diaphragm to inhale and exhale slowly, steadily. I slowly become aware of the interactions taking place in my body. I practice a few mudras, hand positions that help tune one to his or her inner strengths,  starting with  “gian mudra” which is said to generate knowledge, wisdom, receptivity, and calmness.  Next, I practice the prayer mudra in order to center and balance my body’s energies.  I place my palms in front of my chest, bend my fingers slightly to allow air to flow through my fingers and hands. I feel a sense of tranquility. My desire is to linger; however, I have to force myself to push on and finish my run.  I give into the rational side of my brain and mindfully capture the moment before beginning my return journey towards home.

I jog through the city with the sun rise welcoming each of panting breaths. The few runners and walkers greet me with a head nod. I’m on my endorphin high. My mind is clear..  I feel.

I arrive home. My mindful moments are hidden in the recesses of my cerebral. I prepare my day while listening to NPR. Having only 30 minutes, I liven up the environment by changing the radio station to a Spanish one. The broadcasters are so energetic along with being funny.  I find comfort in hearing the Spanish voices as it reminds me of growing up, constantly hearing my family members speak. Time to leave and catch the Metro. While on the metro I challenge myself to finish the Sudoku in the newspaper before my stop. I arrive at my stop and walk to the office observing the many faces hustling throughout Nation’s capital.

At many points during the day I return to my mindfulness reservoir, allowing for self compassion laced with empathy. Funny, the reservoir never seems to run dry.  Correction, when I don’t access the reservoir it does seem to dry up. I realize that practice renews the well.

Morning, once again will arrive.  This time I plan to actually wake up before the alarm on my phone so I can spend a few more minutes at my happy place.

Salus Vita

My Miracle

The story Teller came into my life at a point where I had stop believing. I had stop believing in miracles. I had been living for years suppressing my fears of abandonment; I was looked at as confident and strong women. Inside my being I struggled with a ego dystonic sense of self. That inconsistency within my own person cultivated a loss curiosity, hope, and belief in miracles. I could play the part demanded. As I write, I recognize that my entire life was not totally out of line. One area of which exemplifies an ego syntonic sense of self was in being a mother.

My inability to feel safe. My fear of Abandonment

The sense of abandonment had rendered me emotionally dis-regulated. I don’t “have” memories of my childhood. Memories begin for me around the age of 12, just in time to remember the molestation. My father left, I am told when I was nine. I would not see him for another 30 years. He left and did not turn back. He had no contact with me or my siblings, his children. He never reached out, he seemed he never cared. My parents divorced when I was 11, again, as it is told. My mother was emotionally unavailable as she was busy surviving. My siblings, one by one, left me alone to care for my mother. I felt so utterly forsaken.

Emotional wellness demands physical and emotional care. When this care goes unmet, insecurities begin to creep in. For me, abandonment took on the form in being (gave the appearance of) a confident secure person. I could do it alone. I didn’t need anyone. Borderline personality tendencies began to take root and become my status quo of life. I love you, I hate you, I don’t trust, I can’t trust you, Please don’t leave me I’ll do anything. Won’t you just love me? I’m tough I don’t need anyone….Thanks to a former male companion, I was challenged to live beyond the staus quo.

Living the Abandonment

Showing emotion was a sign of vulnerability and I was not going to make myself vulnerable to get hurt. The first time my daughters saw me cry was right after their father and I had separated. I was visiting my oldest daughter in North Carolina with her sisters. My front headlight had gone out on my Volvo. It was Sunday and I took it a shop to get the light fixed and they told me they would have to order that part. The part would arrive Monday. I went back to my daughter’s home I recall sitting with my girls in the living room and feeling so overwhelmed I started to cry. I My oldest daughter looked at me and said, “I have never seen you cry.” She was 22 years old at the time.

For so long, I put the needs of others before my own; wasn’t that what any good Christian would do? Though in doing so, I lost a greater sense of self. Caring for others is noble charge; for me it servers two purposes. First, it protected me from thinking or dealing with my own stuff and made me feel good. After all, if you knew me and my stuff why would you love me or like me. I played a part, acted out a role.

Success? I could never measure up. I had to work hard just to gain the approval and acceptance of others. Mistakes, I thought reflected upon my person. A professor, Dr Perry, at A & M University in Normal, Alabama first introduced me to the concept of mistakes being growth opportunities. I still doubted; but, a seed was planted.

The Story Teller

I have been on the healing journey. I was asked, by The Story Teller, what has been instrumental in my healing. My God (not religion) and learning to sit. The Story Teller has only been in life a short while; in that brief time frame he has awaken my curiosity as never before. He dares me to trust in myself. He challenges me to tell my story. To have the courage to trust, to love. To be alive. I add to my list of “things” that have been instrumental in my healing, The Story Teller.

Syntonic Self

My strength and confidence today are not masks to hide pain or fear. I recognize that perhaps other’s may not be so appreciate of the change. I however, with all respect, am living Egosyntonic sense of self. My behaviors, values, and feelings are in harmony with my needs and goals while in being consistent with my ideal self-image.

Miracles are laced with hope and curiosity. I am thankful for my journey. I am thankful for My Story Teller who appeared at the right time.

“I Am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”
Carl Jung

 

That feeling of utter despair, disappointment, or disillusionment.  The reasons vary to why  such utter sorrow is birthed; yet, the pain  feels like it will never cease. Breathe. Breathe. It doesn’t seem to work. Breathe, Breathe. Why doesn’t it work? With each breathe taken I attempt the conceal the pain instead of embracing the awareness of the moment. I cannot imagine the emotional pain ceasing, it is truly too profound. Breathe now with acceptance. Breathe now with acceptance. Perhaps,  forgiveness is the issue. Can I forgive my stupidity? Can I forgive my ignorance? Can I forgive my impulsiveness? Can I forgive desire?  Breathe now with acceptance and without judgement. Breathe now with acceptance and without judgement. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. Despite the uncertainty, each breathe gives me hope. Hope at this moment in time to  embrace my despair, disappointment, and or my disillusionment. I am not my stupidity, or my ignorance, my impulsiveness, or my desire. I am person with dreams and passions who is willing to take the chance on myself. When that dept of sadness arrives, not if,  I will offer myself compassion and breathe. When I can no longer cry and my heart dies, it is only for a moment. After that moment my life begins anew. Salus Vita

My smile may look like everything is okay; but, it is only a mask. A mask which hides  pain, disappointment, disillusionment, and loneliness.  What you see  is only a camouflage smile that disguises how I truly feel.

You take a moment to ask me if I’m okay and I answer yes. I really do want to be okay; yet, something inside just doesn’t seem to be able to break free from the pain, disappointment, disillusionment,  or loneliness. Why doesn’t anyone ask me the right question that will shake loose the shackles of this heaviness.

I’ve spent years with this camouflage smile.  It’s worked you think of me as happy one;  I’m exhausted. My body keeps the score and I’m losing. It takes me longer to recovery in my private darkness. I have been able to recovery; although, one day I may not be able recovery. Then what? Please listen not to what I say but to what I don’t say. I want to tell you; help me tell you. Don’t judge me.

 

Does anybody see the real me hidden behind  my camouflage smile?

 

 

You choose: The Emotional Mind, the Reasonable Mind, the Wise Mind.

The Emotional Mind’s modus operandi  is feelings, or if you will instincts based on experiences.  Experience, after all, is the sum of our  perceptions based on what we have observed, encountered, undergone and thus remembered.  Our past encounters become embedded within our conscious and unconscious creating instinctual, and at times  impulsive life styles. Intense devotion or desire is the where the emotional mind is most beneficial as the intensity keeps one on course and even triggers sacrificial choices. Think of the film Manchester by the Sea where, acting on an emotional impulse, a depressed uncle takes in his teenage nephew out of love for the young man and his father. On the other hand the same passion and intensity can lead to addictions, unsafe and unhealthy actions. Think of the Intimate Partner Violence. The victim often stays in the relationship because of the emotional ties including the hope for change or the fear of leaving.

The Rational/Rational Mind: This part of the mind where we plan, evaluate, and make decisions based on perceived facts. The rational mind provides understanding to  aspects of our lives. Sounds like a smart way to live, being able to make decisions with focused attentions or an organized, calm demeanor.  The danger, however, is that we live so emotionless that we miss out on the most important aspect of life, human relationships. Additionally, our experiences are not the totality of all known experiences, our experiences and memories are subjective and cannot predict the future.  Just as in investing, where past financial gains are not a guarantee for future financial gains, past performances are not guarantee of future performances.

There is a time for the Rational brain, especially in times of crisis.

The Wise Mind’s modus operandi is a mixture of the emotional and the  rational mind.  The Wise Mind is rooted in the consideration of feelings and the use of logic. The Wise Mind using both the left and right sides of our brain.

Most often the healthiest mind set is the wise mind. I’m not so emotional that my decision is clouded by sentiments of love or hate. My rational mind is not overbearing, allowing me to see the benefits logic and at the same time seeing the impact of emotions and human relationships.

You get to choose what mind set you want to live in at any particular moment instead of the mindsets dominating. You are and can be in control.  There are a few things in our lives that are outside of our control; however,our mind is our choice. When we aware of our mindset we are free to live up to our true potentials.

One great tool which aids us in getting to our healthiest mindsets is Mindfulness. Mindfulness guides us to our awareness of the moment; truly, that is the only place of true living. Below is an exercise which anyone can complete in order to feel more in tune with themselves.

Learning how to live being aware of our Mindset:

Breathe in through your nose holding the breathe  for 4 seconds and release gently and slowly through your mouth. Follow your breath.  Notice any tension in your body starting from the top of your head and slowly scanning your entire body until you get to your toes. Notice the tension without judgement.  Any thoughts that come into your mind are only thoughts, accept don’t dwell on the thoughts only accept without judgment. Focus on your breathing. Do 5 sets of breathing. Keep your eyes closed for one minute.

You’ve done it, practiced Mindfullness and are creating a wise mind so you can choose what mindset for this moment at hand.

Salus Vita,

Gloria

When the discomfort of

Change

Outweighs the pain of

Staying the same

The road to

Change becomes an option

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss

Trauma but not traumatized.

When our trauma experiences over time cause physiological and psychological distress we become traumatized. Being traumatized  derails our quality of life. Trauma is subjective; therefore, the objective facts don’t matter as much as the sense one of feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope with the situation(s). Time and Human bonds are as essential as they are  powerful in  curtailing trauma from becoming traumatizing. The sooner we experience the human bond of support after the trauma the less likely they will be traumatized.

Trauma Unavoidable

Life is filled with trauma; they can be  little t’s or big T’s.  Generally speaking little t’s are more common, everyday such as:  a move, starting a new job, having a baby, getting married, losing your keys, traffic on the beltway, rejection, arriving late, or a  divorce. Although big T’s can feel more earth shattering, little t’s overtime can become big T’s.

Examples of Big T’s are: rape, war, terrorism, a plane crash, a car accident, perceived threat of harm, a natural disaster, a major illness, death, and chronic child abuse and/or neglect.

Human Bond

As part of the Behavioral Health Response team (BHRT) for District of Columbia, our objective is to be present in times of big T’s in order to offer victims of such tragedies psychological first aid. When we think of traditional first aid, we think of chest compressions and AED machines; psychological first aid however, consists of offering an emotional connection with someone who cares, essentially breeding a human bond.

The  human bond is a beginning of a dynamic  relationship between individuals, one that is so deep, it gives each individual the ability to influence the other’s psychological and physiological (body’s) state. BHRT offers the emotional support needed to curtail trauma from becoming traumatizing in big T’s. We each have our own BHRT to help us with little t’s. These individuals are those whom we love and trust.  Don’t suffer in silence alone, the road to recovery is found in supportive human relationships.

Salus Vita!

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”   Carl R. Rogers

So much of our lives are spent in a state of resistance. We exert an incredible amount of energy resisting facts like: “I’ve gained 10 pounds since the summer,” or “this relationship is not going anywhere,” or “that bad thing did happen to me,” or “I’m getting old,” or that “I’m not OK.” When we stop telling ourselves these lies and admit the truth, then we can start the journey to change and begin to live our emotionally Healthiest lives yet.

“There are two types of pains in this world, pain that hurts and the pain that changes you.” Author Unknown

Healthy lives demand  expression of emotions. When feelings are suppressed or denied all we end up  doing is pushing the pain into the unconscious. We don’t feel that pain, we can ignore the pain; that is until an opportune moment for the pain to resurface. He said after years with me he had wasted his time. His words hurt so deeply; why? I felt the relationship had run is course. In fact, I was looking for a way out but something kept me in the relationship? His words painfully penetrated into my soul.  Mindfully allowing for my pain, I was able to understand that it wasn’t his words that pierced my heart in as much as it was that I had been triggered. I was triggered back to when my father left, what I would consider for years, when my father abandoned his family (me). Pain that hurts. Pain that changes.

Confronted by pain I had one of two choices to make. I choose to face the pain of  abandonment.  It wasn’t my fault my father left. There was nothing I could have done or not do to make him stay. He made a choice.  I saw my father 30 years later on his death bed and forgave him.

Change. I accept that I am divorced,  10 lbs heavier, getting older, and yes bad things did happen in my life.  Now what? I am mindful that I cannot change the past , stuff happened and stuff happens. I am also mindful that I will not allow the past to define nor direct my future.

Salus Vita!

 

As I finished up with my last client for the day I sat wondering, “Could they have done this without me? ” The answer is a resounding, YES; it’s just that we get stuck (Most likely in the past). Sometimes we don’t know we are stuck, but we feel off or like life is off keel.  Other times we aware and just don’t know how to get up from under the heaviness. Other times, someone who cares about us confronts us about our behavior or attitude leaving us with the question, “What can I do about” followed by “What will I do?”

We each are resilient. Think about people you know and how they have bounced back from the harshness of the world, the abusive past that have left scars raw that reopen with unconscious reminders of the past, the organic mental struggles and conditions, the sense of abandonment that causes one to feel unloved or unlovable.  We are resilient and do and have done what we must to endure.

The hiccup that taints our resiliency and leaves us stuck,  is that we live in the present with the same defense mechanisms  that we used to survive the past, but doesn’t effectively serve us in the present. Defense mechanism of denial, repression, displacement, projection, sublimation ,undoing, rationalization, and regression served as  a survival tool, and you did survive.  Stop, take a deep breathe and look around, are you danger or do you feel like you are in danger?  If you are in danger,  please stop and call 911. Your safety is of the utmost importance. But, if you are not in danger and are still using the same coping skills of the past you may be keeping yourself from living a happier and more authentic lives.

That’s where I step in, as a psychotherapist. I am privileged  to part of the excavation of rediscovering  inner strengths that were buried beneath or that had not be previously discovered.  Together, my clients and I create a synergy that gives way to empowerment to live out our  Healthiest Life yet, Salus VIta.

And this is my job? I am privileged and count my blessing that I am a Psychotherapist!

 

When training to detect counterfeit money one becomes a master of real money. In spending time handling and examining real money counterfeits money stands out like a rose among thorns, a candle among the darkness, or a treasured story in a book of empty words. I took that analogy and ran with it at my  monthly “Charla” (Chat) at Bryia  Adult Public School in Washington, D.C. The topic this month is healthy relationships. So to explain healthy relationship I opened the chat to unhealthy relationships; Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).

IPV does not discriminate based on gender, financial standing, education, or ethnicity. IPV is a form of abuse. Abuse is a learned behavior, not something you are born with or a caught pathogen. According to the Center Disease Control and Prevention, IPV can be physical violence, sexual violence, stalking and psychological aggression which  I believe also includes financial control.

In Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) the brain get’s hijacked thinking it is in a state of danger; therefore, the automatic nervous system (ANS) is always reved high in a state of fight, flight, or freeze.  Cortisol,  “the stress hormone,” becomes hyper active.  Too much cortisol can cause  medical disturbance such as but not limited to: impaired cognitive performance, dampened thyroid function, blood sugar imbalances, sleep disturbance, or elevated blood pressure.  IPV victims can suffer from PTSD.

I recalled my IPV days. Why did I stay, maybe it was the Stockholm syndrome that set in or that the chemicals in my brains were going haywire. I didn’t get PTSD, but I was traumatized. I recall the time I finally mustered the nerve to call the police and while the police was present he tried to go after me. The police offer looked at me and said, “If you don’t leave he’s going to kill you.” I left.

The Charla didn’t bring back the horrific days of living in IPV. What the Charla did do was to reinvigorate my  passion of empowering others to overcome life’s challenges and obstacle and press on toward their Healthiest Life yet. Si se puede!

Salus Vita, Gloria